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This story must be read with the following translations. It is written using Australian slang common in the 1960’s to retain its authenticity.
Glossary – Australian slang to American English
Fanny = vagina
Arse = ass
Spadge/spadger = vagina, cunt (cunt can be a term of endearment, a form of abuse or an anatomical description).
Tosser = loser, idiot or cretin (with apologies to cretins).
Taking the piss out of someone = mocking them.
Tacky = without taste
In like Flynn = alliterative expression of eagerness.
Touch her up = fondle, with sexual intent.
Bloke = man, guy.
Pub = hotel.
Yabba = incessant chatter.
Scrub = brush, understory.
Pissed as a newt = intoxicated.
60km = 40 miles approx.
Moll = slut.
Spunk = semen, cum.
Useless prick (said with explosive emphasis that makes Aussie slang so distinct) = hopeless case (prick meaning cock has a different connotation).
Wank = masturbate.
Imagine “Miss Piggy” of Sesame Street fame sitting in the back seat of your car giving a running critique of your driving skills, your immaturity and your lack of qualification to be a part of the human race? Add to that a screaming baby, a tiresome toddler and a seriously grumpy wife. Oh, the joys of the obligatory Sunday afternoon drive! But it wasn’t always like that.
Madge, aka Miss Piggy, is my mother-in-law, Denise, my legal wife, is her daughter. The two children are mine, one to each of the women. They both claim me as their husband and abuse me as such.
“Oh, shut up Kevin, you won’t get your fuckin ice cream if you whinge!” Madge gave the boy a sharp clip over the ear, flicking her index finger over the outer rim. No marks, no bruise, no evidence for the welfare authorities. Madge knew her stuff and Kevin knew better than to react for he would get another.
As for little Sheila she knew she was hungry and let us know too. In the claustrophobic confines of the two door 1956 Morris minor sedan I longed for the relative tranquillity of a Readymix concrete truck.
“Here, you old hag, take the smelly bitch and quieten her down before I throw her out of the window. Don’t know why I didn’t have an abortion?” Denise added sarcastically.
“Your old mum would have fixed you with a #8 knitting needle.”
“Yeah, and die like the that silly cunt up the road.” Denise retorted.
“She lied about how far gone she was. How was I to know?”
“Probably didn’t help that you were knitting at the time. Didn’t see you wash anything.”
“Watch out ya stupid prick! Do you want to kill us all?” shot from the rear seat.
The thought had crossed my mind.
Little Sheila was duly passed between the bucket seats where she hungrily tore at granny’s blouse, lifted out a big floppy tit and drove her head over the nipple.
“Cut it out, you little cunt” Madge winced as baby teeth found their mark. But she surreptitiously enjoyed it, settling back, eyes closing. Kevin was only whimpering softly on his way to sleep.
Denise said sarcastically “aren’t Sunday drives so relaxing?” before she etiler escort too succumbed to the lure of the Land of Nod.
Maybe I could do the same and never wake up again in this living hell.
It all began when I was but a snotty nosed apprentice in a big newspaper in Adelaide, South Australia. It was the mid 60’s and I was all of 18 years young. I had not one ounce of common sense, no credible life role models, no money, no life experience. Not much going for me but for a big dick powered by an excess of testosterone. All that I ever thought about was sex, tits and fannies. Not unexpectedly I was still a virgin. Self respecting girls weren’t going to risk their futures with a total tosser like me.
My eye was drawn to an advertisement in the Personals column as I tended a machine. “WANTED. Nice gentleman, tall, dark, handsome for stunning 18 yo beauty. 18+. Reply. Denise. PO Taperoo.” Given that I had an eight hour start over other hopefuls I quickly penned a reply that would be in the post office box that same morning before 7am.
Genuinely, I admitted to possessing all the attributes sought. Such is self deception.
I did receive a reply, from one Denise Gadd, suggesting that we meet, poste haste. That the meeting should be at her home where her mother would be in attendance to chaperone her, just in case.
Taperoo was the very pits. Even the homeless shunned the place. I found the house and with some trepidation walked up the cinder path to the dilapidated front porch. Knocking at the door took as much courage as I could muster.
“Whadda ya want?” came a terse and shrill response after I timidly tapped on the broken door frame.
“It’s Brent, you know. . . from the paper”.
“Oh, sorry.” The door was opened by a short tubby woman in a shabby house coat. I thought she looked positively ancient, but was really only in her mid thirties. Such is the effect of an ‘interesting’ life.
“Do come in, please,” she said with affectation fit for a gentleman, “her Ladyship waits in the drawing room.” She was taking the piss out of me.
Stepping into the dimly lit lounge room the first assault on my senses was the acrid smell of cat’s piss and what I took for their food, a sweetish, undefined fishy odour. I could see a battered sofa, an old TV and a clutter of tacky ornaments. Sitting at the far end was Denise, shy and demure and deeply embarrassed by it all. She was somewhat taller than her mother, but showing early signs of weight gain, dual pigtails and wearing thick rimmed glasses. What she had going for her was primarily youth, big tits, cleavage displayed, a pussy that I knew lay concealed beneath the skirt pulled over her knees, and my stupidity.
“Have a seat, Sir.” Madge gestured, pointing at a single battered lounge chair, “excuse me, please” as she kicked several classic coca-cola bottles out of sight beneath the seat, bending forward with her house coat partly open. Looking in at eye level I could see two pendulous unrestrained tits swaying in opposition to her movements. Then she pulled the lapels together, looking me in the face with fatih escort a lingering, leering smirk. Denise watched with disgust. The torture resumed.
“Tomorrow I want you to take Denise for a drive in the country, to the ‘Hills’.”
My hopes rose. To get her alone in my car for a few hours, be nice to her, buy her an ice cream, go somewhere quiet to park near the Onkaparinga River, say some nice words and touch her up. I’d be in like Flynn! I had been told that once you fondled or sucked a tit they couldn’t help themselves. My first fuck!
“Of course I’ll be going too! You young blokes can’t be trusted with an innocent young girl like my Denise” I sat open mouthed. “And we expect a pretty good lunch at a pub, and a little drinky for me!” Faark, that’s a week’s wages for me. “See you here at 10.30 sharp. Thanks for coming around. Goodbye.”
I never had a chance to speak to Denise before being shuffled out the door.
The day dawned fine and bright, perfect for a drive in the Adelaide Hills. I did as instructed, got there early too. In the bright light of day I saw just how rotund Mum was, and feared for the faulty rear shock absorbers on my car. Madge climbed in to the rear and took up position mid seat, looking straight into my face through the rear vision mirror. Denise was decidedly quiet and sat saying nothing. Mum did all the talking for her, and the interrogation.
I learned most about Madge too. Daughter of an alcoholic waterside worker, sexually abused at a young age, promiscuous, pregnant to an anonymous sperm donor, single mother all these years, sans boyfriend/s (not true). She was determined that her daughter was not to follow her example in life. Denise was different, deep and troubled. We used the term ‘square’, to connote what is now ‘nerdy’. How the language has evolved in even a short time.
Madge yabba’d on until we got to the rather rank Aldgate Hotel. Her manner changed as we entered, as though she were awed by the sophistication. Denise and I being under the legal age of 21 years had to sit in the public dining room while her mother went to the bar for her first drink. Our lunch was unadventurous, fish and chips with a glass of coke. Madge had another wine. That finished, and paid by me, she suggested that Denise and I take a walk along the river to ‘get to know each other!’
I quickly set course for the thickest scrub I could spy. Once out of sight I made my move. “Oh, Denise, I love you.” With that I tried to embrace her as to kiss direct on the lips, and thrust my right hand forward to her breast. The slap brought me to a halt.
“Don’t do that again!” she said very crossly. “You’re just like the rest.”
We walked silently back to the car where we had to wait interminably for Madge. She was pissed as a newt when she staggered out to the vehicle. Denise helped her in to the awkward rear seat designed for English midgets rather than Aussie fatties.
“Aw Mum! You didn’t” Denise gasped in horror and embarrassment that went over my head.
“Gotta take it when you can get it, luv.” Madge replied rather proudly
All fındıkzade escort settled in we set off on the 60km return trip. Nothing further was said. I noticed the woman looking intently into the mirror, never averting her gaze as I looked up. Next I saw her licking her finger, first one then two. The car filled with the unmistakable odour of semen. Denise looked out the side window pretending not to notice. Madge made a deliberate gesture to show me her fingers which were coated with gobs of thick, creamy spunk dripping off them. The theatre continued as she licked them clean. With a wink she indicated that I should look down. I reached up as if to adjust the mirror as she leaned backwards, pulling her dress up as she did. There was her prominent naked vulva, glistening and pulsing as she deliberately pushed some of the load between her spread lips. I almost ejaculated purely on the sight of it. My driving suffered accordingly.
“Pull over, pull over” Denise shrieked. Her drunken mother now in fits of laughter.
We stopped on the road verge, cars whizzing by, Denise fumbling in her bag for some tissues.
“No, let him do it. Probably his first cream pie” Madge slurred. “Let me out.”
“I’m not staying for this. Fucking moll” Denise ranted as she started walking down the road.
Madge stumbled from the car then promptly sat back in the passenger seat, swivelling as she did so.
“Now lick me out, sonny boy.” I stood transfixed looking at my first real living spadger. “You know you want to. Now do it!”
Problem was I didn’t know how to, but I was under the spell of her sex. Beckoning with one finger she drew me closer and closer. I was both fascinated and frightened, but I acceded. Her hand pushed my head down so that I was kneeling on the sharp gravel, hands on the door sill, inches from her fanny. There was that cat food smell again, mixed with the masculine odour of spunk. Still the traffic passed by, unaware of what was happening on the other side of the stationary car.
“Go on, ya useless prick, put your tongue out and taste a real man”.
I did, and it was very agreeable to my palate. Once started I could not stop, lapping and slurping as she Kegelled as much as possible from her ample cavern. In turn that set up the conditions for an orgasm on her part. Suddenly her thighs spasmed, her hands clutched me into the hairy, rubbery wetness of her pudenda and she came and came and came. A new flavour seeped into my mouth, metallic, bitter, alcoholic as a strong jet invaded my mouth and enveloped my cheeks.
“Aw, sorry about that” she gasped, “couldn’t hold any longer”.
She was replete, I was soaked, but I was panting with unbearable need. Madge put her hand down and said “I better help you with that. Stand up.” I did as I was told and I rested my arms on the car roof. I felt my trousers being unbuttoned, my turgid prick bounced free and then a wonderful warmth envelop it. Nothing could stop me coming, it was beyond my control, even Denise walking back to the car couldn’t stop the inevitable and the incredible.
I cried out, fortunately no one would hear. “I love you! I love you, FUCK!” There was a finger on my arsehole to heighten my pleasure further as I pumped from the very depths of me. It was Denise. She was leaning her tits into my back as her mother pulled away and her youthful hand slipped around to wank the last drops of cum from me. I was in tears – of joy and disbelief!!
To be continued.
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